Growing Pains

This semester has been, by far, the most emotional four months of my life. Many say that entering grad school is one of the hardest times of your life; and though there have been challenges, I would rephrase this into, “Entering grad school allows you to grow more than you ever thought possible.” Those who were with me in the trenches of this life-changing program understand the depth of this statement in their own personalized way. Before August, I didn’t consider myself a “crier”. I was perfectly content with holding everything so tightly, and composing myself so rigidly, that only the straw upon my back could break me. My mom has always commented that if I do cry, I’m not crying over one thing, but a myriad of experiences that have piled up waiting for the dam to crack. This past semester has altered this aspect of myself, and, in my opinion, for the better. I cried nearly every week for three months straight, with a few total breakdowns in between. It wasn’t because of the hardship of academia, because, while the homework is challenging, it’s doable. The particular program I am in (Masters of Clinical Mental Health Counseling), pushed us to do the hard psychological work that we will be asking our clients to undertake. It’s difficult to understand this kind of work until you’ve actually encountered it, but I will do my best in trying to explain: Think about a current hardship in your life. It could be anything, as long as it causes some grief for you. Now, think about how that hardship applies to where you’ve been, who you’ve become, and where you’re headed. It is entirely possible that this particular hardship has been one you’ve faced multiple times in different forms, reinforcing possible thought processes or emotions you believe about yourself, others, or the world around you. Welcome to this type of work. It seems ambiguous, feels uncomfortable and painful, yet can be one of the most rewarding and growing things you ever do. Of the multitude of internal processes and core beliefs I own and have yet to be discovered, these two made themselves extremely apparent these last four months:

• I Will Survive

Though perhaps in a broader sense than Gloria Gaynor described, I realized I will survive. Each one of us have our struggles that at times feel like we are gasping for air as the storm continues to push us underwater. The fear and anxiety we experience over this loss of control can make anyone want to surrender. However, in the midst of an insane amount of personal, psychological, and academic stress this semester, a sense of calm filled me. I was not nearly as worried about certain issues because I knew I would survive them. Thus far, I have a 100% success rate at living through various hardships, and will (hopefully) continue to do so. For a control-freak who is ridiculously detail-oriented, this state of being was, and is, so freeing. I still get things done, I just don’t worry or obsess over them the way I used to; and ironically enough, I couldn’t have learned this without the challenges I’ve faced. Perhaps this thought process merely comes with age, as people encounter more and more trials that imbue them with this sense of serenity. Either way, I’m grateful.

• Core Belief Realizations

This one is a bit harder for me to admit to, as it governs the majority of my thoughts, actions, and feelings. However, it was such an epiphany that I wish to share it to allow its awareness to permanently embed itself in my psyche, as I have recognized that I attempt to consciously forget it (it’s so ingrained!). During a specific class this semester, I asked my cohort for some feedback on a sensitive issue – whether or not I come across as closed off. I should state here that I have some social anxieties and insecurities, and this question was knocking at the door of each one of them. While many people said sweet and amazing things that are definitely more a testament to their character than mine, I felt ashamed to be asking them, and began crying even before the question was asked. At the time I said that I was crying because of nerves and how much their words touched me, which was absolutely true; however, little did I know that this question and subsequent reaction would begin a spiraling into the dark, uncharted territory of my soul where beliefs about myself and love reside. With poking and prodding from a professor, I recognized two things: 1) I hate being seen as weak; and 2) I only feel worthy of love if I’m caretaking.

In asking for that specific feedback from my cohort, I saw myself as weak. In asking for something that I couldn’t immediately return, I felt indebted and vulnerable. Though rationally it doesn’t make a ton of sense, it existed in this dark chasm for a reason. I am a caretaker, and have been in various ways since I was a child. I grew up with the belief that unless I was caretaking in one way or another, I was unworthy and undeserving of love. If I asked for this love without caretaking, I was weak because I wasn’t giving as much as they were giving me. Being a caretaker is part of who I am, and I am learning that the other parts of myself deserve just as much love. I truly enjoy caring for others; still, I’m realizing how this belief has previously allowed me to suspend my own needs, wants, and desires in hopes of feeling worthy enough to love. Slowly, I recognized that the majority of my interactions and emotions were based on this notion, and, naturally, I began questioning all the things. From friendships to relationships, insecurities to triumphs, how much of these were motivated by my need to feel love through caretaking? It’s an interesting process; I am not ashamed of who I am, yet I recognize that unless I change, I will constantly walk around with a void I’ve created for myself. Learning how to cope with this has been the biggest growing pain I’ve yet endured.

It’s interesting for me to discuss some of the most emotional months I’ve had via the medium of a blog. If you simply Google search blogs that discuss emotion, sterile writing of the human condition becomes present. We’ve become so afraid of feeling anything that we’ve tried to simplify it. Yes, emotion is transient and uncomfortable at times, but isn’t that what makes life worthwhile? Taking the ups with the downs, and fully experiencing the majesty in-between? Without the emotion of the last four months, I would still be the person who attempts to tightly contain herself, not truly understanding the beauty that can enter by simultaneously letting beauty out. Emotion cannot be quantified; internal growth cannot be scientifically measured. Life is too important to get carried away with the details.

Poems and Peonies

Vanity, this insanity,
Which plagues our nation,
Liberation via selfie,
The new form of “Help me”
What are we chasin’?
Dreams of the ideal,
Unreal
Picture perfect being,
Looking through a lens
To display a highlight,
Tone-tight
Photoshop mannequin.

When did we lose connection?
To relate without retaliation.
Society bleeds the psyche to berate,
Acceptance is found too late,
In ourselves, others, the human nation.
This blackness kills more than pulse,
It permeates
Disintegrates
Bonds severed by insecure impulse.
Subliminally shown inadequacies
Verbally thrown intricacies,
Of how to look better
Go-Getter
We stumble into negativity.

How do we become better humans?
To value individuals without acumen?
First, stop the comparing
Oversharing
Of highlight reels and expectations.
Acceptance of self to discover beauty
This should be a premiere duty
To rid the cynicism
Narcissism
Negativity that dwells in you and me.
Next, compliments and altruism,
Helping each other begin
To be more kind
It starts with the mind
Dedication for a new kind of schism.  
A separation from hate

The hypocrisy and judgment abate

Provide room for compassion

The new fashion

Of this human race.

By taking time to appreciate
We begin to alleviate
This inner plague
Vague
Way to live in existence.
We are afraid to fully love
Extend our arms and grasp above
Instead we hide the preferable
Vulnerable
Aspects we think are too unworthy of.
However, take just one look around,
Lift your head beyond the ground
Drop those notions and see
Me
We all have the same beautiful battles to be found.

Feminism and Chivalry

A few months ago, while I was skating at a local teenage hangout, I saw a young man grab another girl’s backside and skate off. The only thing I could assume from this interaction was that they at least were friends, due to the friendly nature they had with one another. I do not know their dating history, sexual orientation, or previous discussions on grabbing one another’s body parts; yet this action left me feeling sad: sad because of the young girl’s reaction. After this young man had publicly objectified her, she seemed, while embarrassed, also extremely flattered. I began thinking about this objectification, particularly among the youth, and how a man showing carnal interest in a woman by touching or grabbing sensitive areas without consent is looked at as wanted by many of the girls in our society. Even girls who do not want this, and become embarrassed and uncomfortable by this “flattery”, don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves because they will then be seen or be called a “bitch”, and then undesirable. Adolescence is a tumultuous time for everyone, men and women alike, and each sex battles a loss of voice in a certain way (Gilligan, 1977). Boys are taught to suppress the will to communicate emotions other than aggression, and girls have largely been taught that standing against patriarchy is futile and bitchy. Though this is beginning to change on certain fronts, as people are feeling safe enough to express what they think or feel; oppressive traditionalism still impedes our society. I can assume that most, if not all of us, have encountered this at some point in our lives.

That is not to say that certain traditional remarks should completely disappear. I have heard on multiple occasions that feminism has killed chivalry. If you want to look at it that way, then, sure, it has. Personally, I disagree with this. Feminism has enlightened chivalry, to show the strengths of men, rather than the suffocation of women. Think about it: many men receive “points” if they bring flowers to a first date, open a car door for their partner, or fight for their honor.** These things do not necessarily show the weaknesses of women, but the assets of a man. However, there are women who view this type of chivalry as suffocating, and to compensate for the weakness they feel at being suffocated throughout history, they begin to oppress chivalry and all that it represents. It is not a bad thing to question the norm, if we didn’t then many awful, hurtful events would still exist today. This competition between feminism and traditionalism would be better suited if people recognized love and compassion instead of fear and hurt. Does chivalry necessarily hurt anyone? Its foundations were based in respect for women, something which feminism also strives for. Slapping a man or woman on the ass is not chivalric, nor respectful. It lowers their humanity to be less than: less than the need for consent, less than the need for respect. This behavior paves the way for many of the distasteful acts we hear glorified on the evening news: rape, molestation, assault, etc. largely because we aren’t taught to respect ourselves by respecting others. These issues exist, and they exist because of years of silence. I commend those men and women who have made their voices heard.  

**Disclaimer: This blog does not intend to devalue the relationships or issues of rape, molestation, or assault within the LGBTQ community.

Recap: A Year in Song

Since today is the last day of the year, I've been doing some reflection on the moments that mattered to me in 2013. Most of these moments found a counterpart representation of them through song. At certain points in the year, various songs stuck with me either because the lyrics were particularly potent to life circumstances, or because the melody crept inside my soul and made it just a little bit brighter. Some of these songs were Top 40 and ridiculously overplayed, while others were older and stalked me. Seriously.

If nothing else, I hope this helps readers expand their musical repertoire, as music can be a wonderful thing to escape into, even if it is just for three minutes. Please feel free to reflect and comment on what songs were the most powerful for you this year.

January - "Take the 'A' Train": Duke Ellington.

When I bought my car last year, it came with three months of free Sirius Satellite Radio. I don't think I ever switched it from the 40's on 4 station, largely due to this song. It was one of the first songs I heard, and I became obsessed with it. That particular station doesn't usually state who the artist of each song was, and since I was still figuring out the controls in my car, not knowing who composed this playful melody drove me nuts. It took me some time to track down the artist, but I remember the exact moment that I did, and I felt triumphant. It's safe to say that this song was on continual replay in my head throughout the month of January.

February/March - "Cups": Anna Kendrick

Though I have yet to watch the movie that made this song famous, I still love this song. When I heard "Cups", I was having a difficult bout with staying put. I yearned to travel (still do), and this song captured that perfectly. (For those who want to hear the song and skip the long intro, fast forward to 1:15).

April - "Moonlight Serenade": Glenn Miller

I wasn't kidding when I said I became obsessed with 40's music. This song is beautiful, and while some may find it boring, it resonated with my soul. Maybe it's my inner band geek taking over, but if you don't like this song, why are we friends?

April - "Trojans": Atlas Genius

 

My New Year's Resolution for 2013 was to take better care of myself, and continue doing the things I love. Some of these hobbies became difficult to do when life circumstances took control, and this song represents when I was able to take back control, participate, and fulfill my resolution. I heard Trojans for the first time while I was skating, and it stuck with me. In the same month, I also tried archery for the first time - a hobby I now LOVE.

May-August - "Come on Eileen": Dexy's Midnight Runners

 

From the time summer began, I had an interest in this song. It's playful, you can hardly understand what the artist is saying, and you can dance to it. By the end of the summer this song slowly stalked me, following me into department stores, work, and even playing on multiple radio stations at the same time during multiple days. I could not escape it, but then again, I didn't really want to. No one could be in a worse spot than "Poor old Johnny Ray", and maybe it was the Universe's way of reminding me that things really aren't that bad - especially when you're in some awesome overalls.

June - "Mountain Sound": Of Monsters and Men

 

Nick and I took a lot of Bear Lake trips this summer, and each time we drove through the mountains on our way to some summer reprieve, I played this song. It will forever remind me of the carefree way that nature has a way of making me feel, especially being surrounded by trees and towering rocks.

July - "Get Lucky": Daft Punk

I enjoy this song for many reasons, and I'm surprised it wasn't more popular. As an Old School DJ, I would have so loved playing this song on Tuesday nights at the Fun Park. It's got that funky beat that makes you want to move your feet, even more so when those feet are in skates. Besides that, who doesn't want to get lucky? This song is a winner.

September - "Counting Stars": One Republic

  

We skip August and move straight into September because August was just too busy to have a song represent it; except perhaps Come On Eileen (over and over again). I will admit, "Counting Stars" is one that is becoming obsessively overplayed by modern media. Do I love it any less? Not yet. The wicked combination of the flute, lyrics, and surprise appearance of (crocodile? Alligator? I can never tell) make this song the top contender for representation of beginning school and ending 2013. This song reflects the dichotomy that each one of us faces when our wants and obligations conflict. It is okay to want, just as long as we maintain balance.

Winter - "Green Light": John Legend,

 

Isn't this just a fun song? I couldn't label it with a month, because it's a song that is currently resonating with me. Usually John Legend sticks with softer soul, but I like this upbeat version; and, of course, it's something you can skate to.

and "No One Knows": Queens of the Stone Age

 

To balance out the fun, here's an edgier version of what is also impacting me this winter.

Honorable Mentions - "Dog Days Are Over": Florence and the Machine;

 

 

This qualifies as an honorable mention because it doesn't pertain to this year, it pertains to 2010-2011, but it was too good not to share. This song makes me happy, dancey, and smiley; and I will never forget listening to the song while flying into DC for the first time. It encourages the adventurer within me.

"Banana Boat": Harry Belafonte; 

 

This song is an honorable mention because it is a recent obsession, but I can tell I'm already becoming weary of it. Who can forget the famous Beetlejuice scene with this song? A fun nugget to brighten your day.

and, finally, "Better Now": Collective Soul

"Better Now" is another honorable mention because it belongs in the 2008-2009 year category. Independence is what this song signifies for me, as I first started listening to it when I moved away from home. Even now, I listen to this song on my insecure days to help me feel a little more kick-ass. If I'm walking somewhere with headphones on, and stepping to this beat with a somewhat powerful gait, you can assume I'm listening to this.

California Dreaming and Sin City - December 15th-22nd.

Essentially I'm writing this post for two reasons:
1. I'm out of school and now have tons of time to write (yay!),
2. I want to remember everything about this trip in vivid detail, and share it with the people who care.

This past week, Nick and I visited my dad and stepmom in Palm Springs, California. We made the 10 hour drive in a decent amount of time, taking a lesser known road through the Mojave Desert where you can drive like 110mph. True story. This route also goes through Route 66, so that was cool.
Palm Springs is an entirely different mindset, and yes, it deserves its own name. The majority of people live in Country Clubs, and money is viewed as a plaything. Countless numbers of Ferraris, Lamborgini's, BMW's, and golf carts are seen driving the streets daily, usually with people in their seventies at the wheel. I can't explain how foreign these things were to Nick, and somewhat to me; including the weather. The lowest temperature it got to be during the day was, I think, 65 degrees Fahrenheit. I was able to wear shorts, which was sooo nice.

On Monday, we rode the Palm Springs Aerial Tram. Basically you go straight up a mountain, roughly from an elevation of 2,000 feet to 8,000 feet in, like, 10 minutes, with the floor moving around you so you can see all the sides in a giant plexiglass dome.. There actually was snow at the top! It was scarce, maybe half inch spots every so often, but I did heard a local say, "Look at how much snow there is!"
That night, Nick and I ventured to downtown Palm Springs, and were able to walk around and have some dinner. Oh, and there's a giant statue of Marilyn Monroe on the Main Street of Palm Springs. I guess they're a little obsessed?

Tuesday we drove down to the Queen Mary. We took a haunted ghost tour and learned about the creepy stories of people who died on the boat, and who had seen spirits on the boat. The one story that stuck with me was of a crew member who was playing chicken with the water-lock doors as they were closing during a fog emergency. He didn't make it. I was able to snap a lot of pictures, and hope to put them on Facebook soon. Later on, we explored downtown Long Beach, and stayed on the boat for the night.

The next morning, we woke up and drove to Knott's Berry (Merry) Farm. If anyone feels like visiting Knotts, I would suggest doing it on a Wednesday in December. We were literally the first in line to almost every ride, and were able ride everything within our first two hours of being there. After that, we had to take a break, because as you can imagine, we were pretty motion sick. Walking through the park helped, and we were able to ride some more before a storm came in and it started to get pretty chilly. We had dinner in Downtown Disney, since it's just a hop, skip, and a jump from Knotts, and headed back to Palm Springs once we were finished. It was a wonderful day, and we were sad to see it go. At that point I remember it hitting us that there was only one week left until Christmas, which seemed preposterous because there wasn't snow and it wasn't cold. The things you associate...

Thursday was a whirlwind of activity. We woke up early to do a morning hike, and were even able to bring Bear, my dad's Shih tzu, with us. Seriously, Bear is the cutest and most cuddly dog ever. After that, we went to an ATV park and rode around the mountain side for about an hour. It was so much fun! I totally felt like a badass when I was able to catch air. To wind down from all of this, we went to dinner at the Yard House, which had the world's largest selection of draft beer - one of which was actually from Salt Lake - and watched We're the Millers when we got back.

Friday morning we went to breakfast with one of my dad's good friends/coworker that I know well. We all went to London together five years ago, and gave each other so much crap during that trip. I think he was expecting me to be quip-ready again during breakfast, but quite frankly, I was just too tired. When we got back, I was able to have a great discussion with my stepmom, and later played some tennis with my dad. That game is much more technical than I thought it was, and my dad was quite attentive to the technique.
Nick and I drove down to Las Vegas that afternoon and stayed in the Monte Carlo. This was our first time to Vegas in nearly a decade, and the first time since we both turned 21. We gambled (and lost), and walked up and down the Strip where we bought frozen drinks that came from something that looked like an ICEE machine, but had alcohol in it. Some vendors were much more liberal with the alcohol than others. We basically did the same thing Saturday, except I was able to do a little shopping, and we saw a Vegas show that night. Guess which show? If you guessed the Blue Man Group, you are so right. IT WAS AMAZING! One of the best shows I've ever seen. Smart, funny, musical, and vibrant, all wrapped in a fantastic package. The only thing that I didn't get to do that I wanted to was go dancing. I love dancing, but sometimes your body knows best. We drove back up Sunday, and now it feels like Christmas again.

Such a great trip, all with wonderful memories. Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!

Hills

While I was attending Utah State, I climbed this huge hill called Old Main before class every day. It's not too long of a walk, but it is steep, and quite the workout. It was a mini-victory for me each time I climbed the hill, especially if I could do it without getting winded (which, mind you, was rare). Old Main became a great metaphor for accomplishing each year: passing classes, staying sane, trying to live healthier; and walking up it allowed me to meditate on my way to school. I am a person who needs to feel like I'm progressing, and Old Main helped me feel that way. I had a direction, a sense of purpose, and each year became a little easier and clearer.

This is why I loved finding out that when I get off the bus for school, I have small hill to climb. For some reason, hills make me happy. I couldn't help but smile my first time climbing it to class, and the people passing by thought I was probably a little punchy or something. Although this hill is much smaller than Old Main, it's still a great metaphor for the climbing I will have to do in the next three years before I reach my goal.

Today we did a hike up Rattlesnake Gulch. It was the first time in the longest time that I felt connected to nature - which is something I love. Passing through overhung branches of aged trees, witnessing the slowly changing leaves, hearing the scattered remains of the mountain underneath my feet, and feeling the wind tickle my skin and dance through my hair was absolutely magical. Throughout the last few weeks I have been able to open myself to more than I thought was possible. It's crazy how we think we know ourselves until we really look in the mirror, and the reflection is not what we thought it would be. I am attempting to let go of my fear: fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of uncomfortable discovery; and accept and love what I am becoming. I am currently undergoing serious construction and remodeling of myself, and hopefully what will reflect back to me at the end of it all is something I can relate to, connect with, and love.

Until next time.

Some Life Changes

I have been debating for quite some time now whether to begin a blog. For the longest time I've wanted to create one, but felt like there was nothing worthy to talk about or discuss; and I wouldn't want to discuss myself because narcissism bugs me. I need some sort of creative outlet, though, and pen and paper just weren't cutting it anymore. So, welcome to my blog: it will consist of various ramblings, inconsistent postings, and meaningful interactions I encounter. It will change, just as I will change, and I'm most excited to see where it leads to. Stick around, if you feel like it.

For this post, I'd like to discuss the various changes that have, and are, taking place in my life currently. Friday (August 16th), was my last day as a Program Lead at the Work Activity Center. If I weren't starting school on Wednesday, I wouldn't have left. I loved my job, and the people I worked with will have a special place in my heart forever. For those of you who don't know, I worked with individuals with disabilities, and it was the best job I've ever had to this point. Although I dealt with various stresses and countless toileting and behavioral problems, I wouldn't trade the compassion I learned, and the patience I now have, for anything in the world. Which is why this Monday in particular is so strange for me - I am not at work, not interacting with the people who I have come to love and care about, and life goes on.

In the last month, the lease was up at the apartment my boyfriend, Nick, and I were living in. Instead of renewing the lease and having rent increase (again), we started looking for a new place to live with no avail by the time the month was up. We moved back in with my mom until we could find a place that could fit our budget and location preference. That day was today. We signed a lease to our new place, and it's a screaming deal. I'm so excited to move in on Friday, and to completely start a new chapter in my life; because, as I mentioned before, I'm also starting grad school, too. I'm going through a complete lifestyle shift and I'm all sorts of emotions about it (like scared, excited, sad, and oh, so ready).

The majority of my posts will be interaction related, as I feel our relationships with others are the important things in life that end up shaping who we are; however, for this first post I just wanted to touch base my myself in all that is changing around and within me. I seriously could not do all that I am doing without the support of Nick, my parents, friends, and family that help encourage me in progressing in my life. Thanks, everyone.