I’ll be the first to admit that I
am late to this party. Fifty Shades of Grey has been a pretty big deal the past
few years, and due to my inner hipster nature, I had no interest in reading the
book or watching the movie. Until yesterday, when curiosity took over and I
watched the film. I want to preface this post by saying that human sexuality is
a natural part of existence. If consensual BDSM is your thing, rock it. The act
of sex is natural, and consensual sex can be beautiful with floggers, handcuffs,
blindfolds, ice cubes, food, or whatever floats your fancy. Consensual sex can
be about physical expression in the most respectful and open ways possible. I emphasize
the word CONSENSUAL because that is not what I witnessed in FSOG. From what I
experienced, the storyline propagates a sexist, rape culture which condemns
healthy sexual communication and experiences
The narrative is fairly well known
by now - a wealthy, attractive, male billionaire meets a romantic, female,
soon-to-be college graduate, and awakens her sexual desires by dominating her
in almost every way possible. The nuances of how he awakens her sexual desires
have peaked controversy over the last few years, and with good reason. I can
almost guarantee had the main “dominant” character been a woman, the books wouldn’t
have made it off the shelf; because, let’s face it, our culture has a difficult
time with women in power (why do you think there are so many wage discrepancies
between men and women who are in the same employment positions?). Although Grey
states he originally became involved in BDSM through a female dominant, the
fact that he is now the dominant of women (notice he had no male staff?)
communicates that eventually men are always in “control” (bring on the sexist
undertones). However, this control becomes tested when Grey meets Ana, as he
loses control multiple times, throwing respect for sexual consent out the
window.
Let’s delve into some of the
nuances:
1.
The mind-fuck. While the story begins as
harmlessly as possible (slight stalking and intimidation), Grey attempts to
handle sexual consent in a business-like manner, stating that he would not
touch Ana until he had her consent. This stayed true… for about ten whole
seconds, as Grey mouth rapes her in the elevator a few scenes later. Though the
thought of having someone attractive take charge in an elevator can be romantic
and sexy, the fact of the matter is this incident began a string of
mind-fucking, where sexual consent was never explicitly given throughout the
entire movie. In actuality, the entire storyline is based around her not once
giving explicit consent! He draws up a contract, she never signs it or even
mutters the word “yes”, and yet the plot is okay because he creates pleasure
for her. People who have been mind-fucked before could relate to what was
happening. Grey begins slowly, attempting to get to know Ana, which progresses to
her becoming “his”, as though she were an object. He even had difficulty with
Ana visiting her mother, and flew across the country to pay her a visit. Though
I’m sure some women found this terribly romantic, and Grey’s character does
seem to care for Ana, it reinforces the thought that men of means (and people
in general) can cross boundaries to dominate their partner’s lives. Throughout
the movie, I was given the impression Ana didn’t want to sign the contract, yet because he was giving her pleasure,
it was okay for him to experiment with her consent.
2.
The only time explicit consent is given for Grey
to do anything to Ana is when she asks to be punished. This indicates that sex
is ultimately about shame for women – conveying women inherently are bad, and
need to be punished for making their partner unhappy, or engaging in sexual
acts at all. Ana did not agree to this punishment because she was sexually
curious or aroused, she agreed because it would please Grey. Another reminder
that women are only there to please men, even at their own psychological,
physical, and emotional expense.
3.
The loss of her virginity. While sex does sell
between the innocent, virgin girl and the experienced billionaire, this
scene doesn’t grant any positive messages about the consensual loss of
virginity. First, the girl is 22 (I’m assuming, since she’s graduating from
college), and said she hadn’t lost her virginity yet because there was no one
she wanted. This implies she was remaining a virgin until she could meet Grey,
the man who could change it all. It is possible she was probably a virgin for more
than just that reason; but all of these reasons ever so bluntly become brushed
aside when he says her virginity is a situation to be “rectified”. Grey takes
her into his room, and takes her virginity, without asking, and without receiving
a yes. What does this communicate to men and women about being a virgin? To me,
FSOG seems to be communicating that virginity is anyone’s for the taking and does not have to be willingly
given.
4.
Smart girls will be dumb for a guy; and guys are
largely out of control when it comes to sex. Ana appeared to be a relatively
intelligent woman, yet due to the mind-fuck, and Grey’s schlong, she was
willing to consider being an object for a man she barely knew. Grey prided
himself at being in control at all times, and yet when it came to Ana, he lost
control, and this loss of control justified the lack of consent. How does this
not perpetuate a sexist, rape culture?
5.
Finally, everyone is working from their own
experience, and we each carry our own baggage at all times. It is obvious Grey
had his own baggage to sort through, though Ana and the audience are only given
a glimpse at what it could be. However, because Grey is “fifty shades of fucked
up”, he is allowed to take it out on those he can dominate. Being in the mental
health field, this was one of the strongest messages I received. This message
was incredibly layered, as it showed that while we all have own our stories,
the most devastating ones are the ones to operate from. Subsequently, if your
partner is operating from a destructive story, it is okay to let him/her
destroy you at your own expense. This message was communicated from a relational
standpoint, and anyone could find justification to stay in an unhealthy
relationship from what was conveyed through Ana and Grey’s relationship.
Lastly, both Ana and Grey state they feel as though they are being changed by
the other, only perpetuating the belief most of us have about not being good
enough for our partners, and require us to change for them.
There is no doubt that Fifty Shades of Grey is great erotica. If this storyline is
your thing, fantastic. I’m not attempting to bash on it, merely trying to expose
some of the messages being communicated to everyone, everywhere. Though the
movie is rated R, many adolescents have the intellect and resources to be able
to watch it without anyone knowing, and what are they learning? How is this
storyline reinforcing and altering men and women’s belief systems about sex,
consent, BDSM, and most importantly, themselves? We are conveying these
intricate, unhealthy messages through multiple forms of media, yet no one wants
to have a discussion about it because it’s uncomfortable. The individuals who have
written about these nuanced issues pertaining to FSOG largely rest on one side of the
pendulum or another: either they despise the story because of how it relates to
their religion; or they love it because it is a free expression of sexuality,
regardless of how the characters are psychologically treated. We need to open
up the discussion about sex, consent, and limits, to avoid unknowingly propagating
a sexist, rape culture. In doing so, we reinforce equality, and remove
ourselves from the shackles of an oppressive system.
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